The emptiness of change

Life can change so fast sometimes that it reminds us to live in the moment and not become complacent.  It is good to be reminded that everything changes in every moment – form arises and dissolves.  Last Tuesday I had a great time with both horses working on ground exercises with them in the arena.  It was so good to be with Red, working with him more closely than I have in a while.  He is such a fascinating mixture of sweetness and belligerence, willingness and stubborness.

Then by Thursday I was too ill to drive to the yard.  It hit me so fast, and I am still recovering.  We went up together on Saturday, but I was too shaky to walk down the field for Dee.  I wish I'd had my camera with me.  It was such a wonderful thing to watch her walk up with 'ö-Dzin – not too close, but continually looking across and checking he was still there.  Then she waited patiently for him at the gate and put her head in the head collar. 

The weather is also so changeable – one day quite warm and then snow the following day.  There is a magical quality of seeing the world through flakes of falling snow; the greyness of the sky with hints of rainbow colours; blazing red-gold sunsets; brave buds and sprouting plants.

And then there are the sadder changes – the emptiness of loss.  Two of my blog friends have lost their horses in recent weeks: first Cilla of Front Shoes Only lost Lizzie last month, and now Linda at 7MSN has lost Lyle.  I feel I know these people and have loved their horses even though I only know them through reading their blog.  A little cold shiver runs down my back mirroring the wetness of my face as I read of their loss.

I'm blogging when I should be going to bed because I didn't enjoy being in bed last night,  I didn't sleep much for coughing.  But tonight is another night and so it will be different.  There is no point in anticipating an unpleasant night – I might sleep deeply and well.  Even if I do not sleep it is still a new night, a new experience and will not be the same as last night.  I may feel refreshed and have my strength back in the morning.  Whatever the night or the morning brings it will be a unique experience and there will be something to appreciate through my senses if I am open enough to embrace that. 

And so... good night.

I'm still here!

I'm feeling guilty that I have neglected my blog since November and completely failed to offer my readers Seasons Greetings.  I hope you had a lovely Christmas and belated Happy New Year wishes to you all.  I hope everything is going well for you.

It has been a busy time here in Wales and both horses have been ill.  I was also ill at the beginning of December, then we had a trip to Nepal, then Christmas happened and new year, then the weather got really wintery... so all in all life has been happening, but not blogging.

Dee had a snotty nose in December and a chill.  We kept her in for a few days and then brought her in just at night for a few more days and then she was fine.  Red's illness was a little more serious as he has had strangles.  He was confined to his stabe for about 6 weeks, and considering how much he hates being in the stable for a long time, he behaved very well.  The strangles abscess on his throat was huge and produced a bucket-load of pus when it burst.  The folk at Briwnant have been amazing and nursed him so well.  I am eternally grateful for their expertise and care.  In all I think it was five horses that had strangles, and they have all come through it with no long-term problems.  Red is still convalescing, being given extra feed to build up his strength again, but is back out with the herd now.  He has been declared fit by the vet.  He definitely wants to be out in the field and not kept in.  He looks fine and has only lost a little weight.

As Red is on full working livery at Briwnant he is groomed every day and fed as necessary, whereas Dee is just on grass livery.  So Dee tends to get more attention because she needs it.  Just after Christmas we went up to give Dee a feed and groom her, but as we led her in from the field Red followed us.  He didn't want to miss out on the family gathering.  If anything he is more affectionate since being ill and likes to come in as well for some TLC.

I have not been riding because the yard has been on quarantine and the fields were so wet, but I have decided I'm not going to ride until the weather gets warmer anyway.  I find that I get clumsy and tense in the cold and feel that I am a bit of a liability in the saddle.  I think I may not clip Dee next year and simply not ride for the coldest months of the year.  We have had such a lot of snow, that I have not been able to get my car up the lane to Briwnant.  I tried one day last week and nearly ended up in a hedge.  I miss seeing the horses but know they are well cared for and that Paul would let me know immediately if there was any problem with them.  If the snow continues till the weekend, we may try hiking over to see them.

The whole family went on the week's trip to Nepal which was wonderful.  Our sons liked it there and had a good time.  Straight after we returned home it was into Christmas preparations, and we had a lovely family Christmas.

A lot more snow arrived yesterday and more is forecast for Sunday.  It has thawed quite a lot today though, so hopefully it will go away for long enough that we shall be able to get up and see the horses.  We so rarely have snow in Cardiff that lasts for more than a day, that we are not really set up for coping with it.  It has not snowed like this here for nearly 30 years.  I think it is quite good to have a 'real' winter for a change though, and we are nice and snug in front of the wood stove.  I hope you are all snug and warm too.

It never rains but it pours

I had been expected life to be back to something more resembling normality this week as most of the work on the house is finished.  However it never rains but it pours and my life has been thrown into more chaos again because sadly my mother has suffered a stroke.

She is doing well and fortunately it was only a mild stoke, but even so she will be in hospital for a while.  I've been all at sixes and sevens this week and feeling so exhausted, but I am starting to sort myself out and am getting organised around the daily visits to the hospital.

It is such a relief that the horses are where they are and I know they are out in the pasture and well looked after.  We are hoping to spend some time with them on Sunday – and maybe even ride!

Tomorrow we are moving our elder son into the house.  I hope he will be very happy there – and I can start to sort my house out!

Dawn patrol

I'm back in the saddle – still rather sniffly but mostly better. Yesterday I rode Dee and this morning I rode Red. Dee is hard work in the arena. I think it is too reminiscent of her life at Pontcanna riding stables and she just switches off – I have to push her continually, which is no fun for either of us. It is such a shame she will not ride out to the Wenallt. I would happily never ask her to go in the arena again if she would hack out on her own. Red, however, was quite fun in the arena this morning. He was listening to me and energised. The first time I asked for canter he gave a little enthusiastic buck, which I found rather endearing.

One of the reasons I became so ill was because of the hard work at the stables – it is a bit of a pattern of mine: pushing myself too much physically and then getting ill. Ever since we moved back to Wyndham Livery in April we have been trying different ways of balancing the time/energy/money equation. First we tried Red on loan, but then that fell through; then we had Red on full livery and Dee on DIY – that was fine with regard to time and energy, but we couldn't afford it; then we tried me doing most of the work in the morning and 'ö-Dzin doing a little of the work in the evening – but this seemed to be exhausting for both of us and we both got ill. Since Wednesday— having put both horses on full livery for two days to give us a chance to recover—we have been trying the 'dawn patrol'.

It is a fine thing to arrive at the stables at dawn and be greeted by the snicker of your horses. We found we could complete our chores by 8.30 when 'ö-Dzin had to scoot off to work – it seemed the perfect solution. I could be home by 9 and have a full day to do everything else that is required. Our plan was that I wouldn't usually ride in the morning, but that we would ride a couple of times a week together in the arena in the evening, as the arena is lit. Unfortunately we hit a snag – neither horse could cope with being on their own for an hour or so before being joined by other horses. It is the policy at Wyndham that mares and geldings are turned out separately, so we couldn't just put them out together. The first time we left Dee out, but had to bring Red back in, but Dee was so clearly distressed by the prospect of being out there on her own for so long again on the second day, that we abandoned it. We have asked whether there is a field where we could put them out together in the morning, but Sally has said no because it would make pasture management too difficult. Our perfect plan is scuppered.

So although I am not having to work quite so hard and hence am not getting so exhausted, I haven't gained any time. The earliest that horses start to be turned out is about 9.30. It's generally after 10 before I can put both horses out, by which time there is usually some extra mucking out to do, and still the haynets to put up. I'm finding that I'm not able to finish at the stables until after 10.30 – so I am back to it taking 3½ - 4 hours. This is too huge a chunk out of my day – I simply cannot continue using this much time on the horses every day. I care a great deal for them both, but I do have a lot of other commitments that are being neglected because of this time factor, and there are many things I would like to be doing that there simply is not enough time to even start.

We are now at a loss as to where to go from here. We feel we have tried every possible approach.

Ill health

Thank you Jayne for enquiring after me – most kind. Dee and Red are fine, but I am ill. I was out of touch for a week because of the electricity problems and then I started to feel ill on Tuesday. I had hoped to be well enough to teach a workshop tomorrow (Saturday 15th), but unfortunately I'm still on the increasing symptoms side of the hill rather than the downhill slope to returned health. I'm sure I will be fine soon and will be posting enthusiastically again. Best wishes to you all until then.

I hope you like this—slightly blurry—image of Dee snoozing.